May 1: Silence

It’s 12:33 pm on May 1st and I am being forced to stay home to be in silence. I attempted to get out and drive Lyft this morning but talking to people in the acoustics of the car was too uncomfortable. I had a bit of a meltdown this morning when I got home because my ears are so sensitive that it hurts. The thought of having my hearing taken from me left me feeling sad and emotional. But then I read the testimonial of a guy who was a bit younger than me who listened to the word of God and was able to heal his hearing loss. I know that I too can accomplish healing, but only if I truly listen. And even though I was planning on driving Lyft all week, I have been redirected to the silence of my bedroom. It’s becoming clear to me that I am to be without distractions for the next few days. Between my hearing, my cleanse, and now my Instagram not working, all that is left is me alone in my bedroom. So I guess it’s time to write.

Now it is 10:04 pm and everything makes sense. I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to do. Being in silence is forcing me to spend time with myself, no distractions. I am listening to every little message my body is sending me and am beginning to find the beauty in all of this. Tomorrow I will embark on a 3 day water fast for healing. I know I can do it. 

The ringing in my ear is subtle, but present. It is a constant reminder that I need to be listening at all times. All I can do now is pray that I will heal as I continue to do as I’m told. I am at complete peace with my state of being in this given moment, ailment and all. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. It is the challenging and uncomfortable times that force us to dig deep and grow. If it weren’t for this hearing impairment, I wouldn’t be taking this time to myself, jump starting my creative writing and my inner strength. God infused me with this problem, and only God can take it away.

Every moment of every day my faith gets stronger. My inner wisdom gets wiser. My body communicates more clearly. Every day, I am becoming more whole and holy. It doesn’t take long for my questions to be answered and my willpower is finally strong enough to always choose the choice that my heart knows is best. I don’t allow outside factors or opinions to influence me anymore. I could honestly give two fucks about the opinions of others, in fact when someone offers their opinion on what I’m doing with my body, I completely shut them out. It’s unfortunate that it had to happen with Sam the other day, but I just can’t stand to be around people who don’t believe. I can’t do it any longer. I would rather stay locked up in my room, like Repunzel. At least for now.

I think there comes a point on this journey where surrender becomes more than just a word. It's like climbing a curve, where you’ve been proven time and time again to have your prayers answered, and then you reach that one critical turning point that just does you all in. There is no going back from this point. It’s such a luscious feeling. In any given moment, I can feel my breath, I can feel the calmness of my body, and I can feel the presence of God. I am able to quiet any chatter and thoughts of the future and tune in to the present moment. Presence, I have finally found you. You are bringing beauty and light into my body. I have gratitude for everything that contributes to this world I live in, even when I am dealing with something difficult. There is beauty in every moment of my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can’t even begin to imagine what my future actually holds. My fantasies run wild, and I know that when you have faith, things always turn out to be better than you could have possibly imagined. I can’t wait.